Sue Me...

I know i haven't written on here in forever.... and i feel bad. but its because this was just getting too much like my dairy where, if bad things happen, i dont want to keep remembering them by writing them down! SO this is only going to be happy things anddddddd

i have decided to make this my little baking blog! :) i really love to bake, as many of my Utah friends know, and many of my friends and family back home don't! so i am excited to share with you some things that i have been workin on and post some recipes that i love.

i wish i have been taking pictures of the things i bake... from now on i will! love you all!

A Great Big Fruit Salad of Melancholy...

This last... month i would say has been very hard for me. Im sure most of you don't care to read about my sappy life problems... but tonight i feel like opening up which happens about never.

I have been crying often, and when that happens i know that things that have been building up for the last few months are starting to hit me to the point that i can't hide them away anymore. I have actually learned alot about myself this summer being home, big revelations that i never realized about myself before... and thats good :).

i have learned that even though this might sound like self-praising, i do always try to please others (as shown by my low bank account sometimes) and with this i sometimes get hurt. sometimes i don't get to say how i truely feel, becuase im scared you will not like me, and sometimes i dont feel appreicated, and sometimes i pent up my feelings toward someone in order that they never feel bad and always remain happy. sometimes i don't want to share things becuase i don't want people to be sad that im sharing negative comments, and sometimes i just don't want others to see me cry for them. sometimes i get scared that people will make fun of me, and sometimes i dont want people to ever see that i feel anything less than normal.

it is very very hard for me to tell people what i feel... sure, i can tell them if the shirt they tried on is ugly or if i dont like their favorite song... but real deep things i can not even tell to my closest friends and allies. and its not like i just won't. its that i can't. i literally can't. i try and nothing comes out. my head is a constantly spinning slot machine that never lands on the winning sevens. my brain is spinning in this dark cloud that i can occasionally grab a memory or a feeling out of, like a tornado that won't stop spinning. if i wanted to tell someone how i feel about a problem between us... i feel like im trying to read my blurry thought off a chalk board 100 feet away. what is wrong with my head?

I cry for many people. i cry for my friends and family that i am upset with, sorry for, love and saddened for. thats the only way to get my confused feelings out. to cry. but i still couldn't put how i feel about u into a fully functioning sentence.

all i can say is... to all who i am crying for, i hope someday i can tell you all how i truely feel about you or the situation you are in.

im sorry that i never could.

Dear Miley Cyrus, why are you such a slut?

As i am sitting waiting for my delayed flight to leave for NYC (giddy!) i cannot help but stare at these haunting pictures of miley cyrus and her nastyness.

Dearest Miley,

remember when you used to write songs to your dead grandpa?

and sing about how you dress up in wigs and are someone else?

and wear things that covered.... some part of your body at least?

those days seem oh so long ago...

now your just a slutty little girl like the rest of them, posting sketch pics of yourself online and tromping around the stage with basically some little leather straps around your nips. oh miley... wwdd? what would disney do? not what your doing... did you lose your contract with them? cuz pretty soon hannah montana is going to be like the alexis texas show with some other innocent on it (yes i did have to look up names that rhyme with states).

as Chelsea Lately says "please pull yourself together and find some kapris, otherwise there is just one way you will turn out..."

I give you..... Lindsay Lohan.

One Classy Broad.

The Model

My little Bro... joy of joys, the love of my life...... if a freaking poser! Now, this kid is not just photogenic, he is OBSESSED with the camera. and he doesn't just smile, he poses. so as i was driving to pick up the other bro from school the other day, in my rear view mirror i can see that Trae has found a pair of my glasses and is posing for himself in my rear view mirror. so i take my iPhone and start taking blind point and shoots at him. now let me inform the 5 people that maybe read this... i am on vocal rest and so i gave him ABSOLUTELY NO GUIDANCE in this. this is a shoot all about Trae. love him! heres some pics from my little models shoot....

Some times the good things are shadowed by the bad...

So my life has been a rollercoaster ride since coming home emotionally. As many of you know, for the last almost 4 months i have been having vocal trouble that has just gotten continuously worse. I just found out last week that i have a vocal nodule. A nodule, for those of you that dont know, is basically a callous on one side of my vocal chords. This typically means the end for many singers, but for me, my vocal nodule is very small, so i hope i can recover fully. Nevertheless, this has been a very hard week for me, i am starting to feel that hope is lost. Singing for me is what brings me joy, its what i love to do, and its my future. Sometimes its easy for me to think, "Why would my Heavenly Father do this to me?"i have just finally been accepted into the Music Dance Theatre major at BYU, and now your taking it all away? But i know that everything happens for a reason, and from trail comes strength. Or at least telling myself that i "know" that now i hope will help. I love my Heavenly Father, he must be doing this for a reason. i just hope that i will be able to sing as i used to.

So something good happened this week also....

i have been searching for a job for almost a month now with no success. not even one interview. as i was driving to pick up my brother from school one day, i drove by a dance studio and got this feeling that i should go in there. i thought "none of those places are hiring, theres no point", but i went anyways. when i walked in i immediately got offered a job! the dance studio also runs a theatre company, and they needed someone to run their theatre summer camps! and they hired me right on the spot after hearing my background. i am so excited to start a job doing something i love, and that will be good for me this summer.

So, even though life is not to good right now, at least things are happening that are helping me forget. :)

My Favorite Japanese Speaking, Anime Loving Past Roomie

Well... a little birdie told me the most fabulous funny story the other day....

Apparently Japgirl was at FHE at BYU the other day, and decided to share with all of her group how much she hated her roomie, and everything that I entail. One of the comments the birdie relayed to me was that she was so happy that she was moved out of the apartment that houses her NASTY roommate. wait.... excuse me? nasty? who was picking up your rotten blueberries off the floor and watched as you walked all over your imbedded raw hamburger in my rug? oh. thats right. that was me. who never ever cleaned the house once, even though they created the mess? oh, yes i remember. that was you. I just LOVED when you would leave your lougys in the sink and your giant hairballs in the shower. oh and my absolute favorite was your rotten tuna in the fridge and your dishes piled so high in the sink that they overflowed onto the counters. so who would be the nasty one as you so kindly put it? THAT WOULD BE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

oh, so also another little diddy Japgirl said was "Im so glad that i can room with my best friends and not someone i hate". well you know what Japgirl, thank heaven for that, have fun in your amine infested house without your personal maid. hahahahaha.

AMEN.

Trains, Planes, and Automobiles

Well... lets recap since the last little diddy.

First, schools done. I NEVER HAVE TO SEE MY CRAZY ROOMATE AGAINNNNNN. yesssss. but as good as school ending was... that meant i had to drive home. TEN HOURS. its not really that bad, but i was so tired, i was on the verge on falling asleep every time i took the wheel. deffinately highlight of the trip was my crazy roadtrip partner... my mother. she decided that it was absolutely halarious to jump out and scare me every time.... everrry time i got out of the bathroom. haha shes such a silly mommy.

Second, i have ridden no planes lately. the end.

Third, me and Trae went on a "date" today to the train museum in downtown sac! it was cute. it was really interesting learning about the history of trains, and Trae is so enthralled with it! after we learned about the trains, we got lunch in old town, went to the candy store, thennnnn little actor to be drama king wanted to have a photo shoot. really? really Trae? your five... and you posed for over a half an hour for my iPhone camera.

well, i love my little baby and his mini-me ways. i have missed him terribly and now i am here for the next four months to torture him to death. yay!

that means im home, alone, bored out of my mind, staring at the wall all day people! be jealous that im out of school in april and no one else is. my life is SO entertaining.

love you all! as some foreign people somewhere say, ciao.