Friday, August 13, 2010

A Great Big Fruit Salad of Melancholy...

This last... month i would say has been very hard for me. Im sure most of you don't care to read about my sappy life problems... but tonight i feel like opening up which happens about never.

I have been crying often, and when that happens i know that things that have been building up for the last few months are starting to hit me to the point that i can't hide them away anymore. I have actually learned alot about myself this summer being home, big revelations that i never realized about myself before... and thats good :).

i have learned that even though this might sound like self-praising, i do always try to please others (as shown by my low bank account sometimes) and with this i sometimes get hurt. sometimes i don't get to say how i truely feel, becuase im scared you will not like me, and sometimes i dont feel appreicated, and sometimes i pent up my feelings toward someone in order that they never feel bad and always remain happy. sometimes i don't want to share things becuase i don't want people to be sad that im sharing negative comments, and sometimes i just don't want others to see me cry for them. sometimes i get scared that people will make fun of me, and sometimes i dont want people to ever see that i feel anything less than normal.

it is very very hard for me to tell people what i feel... sure, i can tell them if the shirt they tried on is ugly or if i dont like their favorite song... but real deep things i can not even tell to my closest friends and allies. and its not like i just won't. its that i can't. i literally can't. i try and nothing comes out. my head is a constantly spinning slot machine that never lands on the winning sevens. my brain is spinning in this dark cloud that i can occasionally grab a memory or a feeling out of, like a tornado that won't stop spinning. if i wanted to tell someone how i feel about a problem between us... i feel like im trying to read my blurry thought off a chalk board 100 feet away. what is wrong with my head?

I cry for many people. i cry for my friends and family that i am upset with, sorry for, love and saddened for. thats the only way to get my confused feelings out. to cry. but i still couldn't put how i feel about u into a fully functioning sentence.

all i can say is... to all who i am crying for, i hope someday i can tell you all how i truely feel about you or the situation you are in.

im sorry that i never could.

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